Building Meaningful Friendships: Tips from Kat Vellos

At times, you meet someone and feel an instant connection. The conversation is smooth, laughter is shared, and you want to learn more about them. But saying, “We should get together sometime,” is vague and unproductive. Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships, suggests a more effective approach: schedule a specific time to meet.

“Pull out your calendar, pick a time, pick a thing to do together and follow through. ‘Sometime’ is vague. The more specific you are, the more likely you’re going to get together.”

If making new friends feels unfamiliar, try developing what Vellos describes as “friendship intuition.” This involves prioritizing who to spend time with and knowing how to adjust if the dynamic feels off. In discussion with Life Kit, Vellos offers practical advice based on scientific research and personal experience as a friendship coach.

Identifying Potential Friends

When in social settings, notice who makes you feel warm and safe. Observe who expresses genuine curiosity about you. It isn’t always the person with the most charm; rather, it’s who feels grounding to be around.

Proactively Making Plans

People often delay reconnecting with new acquaintances, risking the loss of initial interest. Research by Jeffrey Hall, a communication professor at the University of Kansas, shows that forming a friendship requires over 30 hours, ideally compressed into the early weeks of knowing someone. Frequent interactions in those initial stages help solidify the friendship.

Avoid following arbitrary social rules such as not seeing someone more than once a week. Such limitations often hinder the growth of new friendships. Choose memorable activities instead of mundane ones.

Choosing Activities

Coffee dates are common but easily forgotten. Opt for more engaging activities that are less likely to be canceled and provide a richer conversational backdrop. For example, if someone enjoys knitting, propose visiting a yarn art exhibit together. This suggestion aligns with their interests, increasing the chance they will say yes.

Studies from Cornell University indicate that participating in unique experiences helps foster quicker bonding between new acquaintances than routine meetups. Novelties, such as attending a classic car show or a vegan food truck festival, create lasting shared memories.

Reevaluating Connections

If spending time together reveals incompatibility, feel free to redefine the relationship. Not every connection needs to evolve into a close friendship. Consider whether to reposition them within your social circles, rather than cutting off contact completely.

Nurturing Lasting Friendships

For friendships to endure, four key elements are crucial: compatibility, frequency, proximity, and commitment. Compatibility means mutual interests and chemistry. Frequency is about how often you meet. Proximity involves face-to-face time, and commitment reflects dedication to maintaining the relationship.

Each element contributes to a strong and lasting friendship. Consistent application of these principles increases the likelihood of preserving meaningful connections.