Moving Back to the US to Care for My Aging Father

I spent over three decades living abroad, not expecting to return to the US—especially not to Iowa City where I had never lived. Five years ago, a visit to my 85-year-old father changed my plans. I was shocked by how much he’d aged. He was once fiercely independent, working at his restaurant in Wisconsin until the pandemic hit, but now I saw he needed more help.

I left the US as a teenager, eager to experience the world. Born in San Francisco, my family later moved to St. Louis where my father worked hard to build a life for us. Growing up, I couldn’t wait to leave and see the world. After college in Paris, I lived in Tokyo, Singapore, and London, working in marketing and brand strategy. My British husband and I raised our kids in Singapore, even after we separated.

Deciding to Return

After visiting my father, I couldn’t shake the feeling that things needed to change. By March 2022, I had decided to move back to the US with my children. This was not easy. My former husband was hesitant, and I understood the impact on our teenagers. After many discussions, we agreed. Now, my children alternate months with their father.

We chose Iowa City for its extended family support. I arrived with my kids and 12 suitcases, starting over in a place that was unfamiliar.

Adjusting to a New Reality

Two weeks after arriving, my dad moved in. Caring for him brought unexpected challenges. I was navigating new schools for my kids, setting up a home, and figuring out healthcare. My dad’s needs were immense—organizing his mail, finances, and medical care was overwhelming. He was of a generation that didn’t complain, making it hard to know when he needed help.

As he showed signs of dementia, caregiving became physically and emotionally taxing. His changing personality and stubbornness required patience. Tasks like assisting with hygiene felt as if I was caring for a third child.

Finding Myself Again

Returning to the US was a culture shock. In Singapore, I had a social life and professional identity. Here, these were gone as I balanced caregiving for my children and father while dealing with menopause.

After six months, I realized I needed something for myself. I started a food business with my cousin, providing an outlet that balanced work and caregiving. It offered independence and flexibility.

Reflecting on the Experience

Last year, my father passed away. I have no regrets about the move; cooking for him and seeing him with his grandchildren was invaluable. If given another chance, I’d approach the transition more gradually, settling my children first and involving family in caregiving responsibilities.

While I still live in Iowa City, I plan to downsize once my son graduates high school. I’ve spent years seeking a place that feels like home. I’m grateful for the time I was able to spend with my father, moments that are now cherished memories.