Guidance on Navigating Difficult Relationships

Therapist KC Davis presents insightful strategies for handling challenging relationships in her book Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship. This book, published earlier this year, provides practical advice for deciding how to proceed when relationships with family, partners, or friends become problematic.

Understanding Objectionable Behavior

Davis offers tools for identifying what you find objectionable in someone’s behavior. When you consider why a behavior bothers you, you can determine the impact on you. For example, if your roommate fails to do their chores, Davis advises you to ascertain whether this is simply annoying or genuinely harmful, like attracting pests. Engaging in a conversation to explore alterations in behavior may lead to solutions like agreements on shared responsibilities.

Evaluating Values in Relationships

When staying in or leaving a relationship, Davis suggests evaluating how it aligns with your values. Essential values include physical and psychological safety, especially for minors. Examine whether you can fulfill your responsibilities within the relationship or might need to prioritize other values such as sobriety or caring for dependents.

Deciding Whether to Leave

If a relationship does not violate your values, yet you consider leaving, assess your history with the person and any obligations. Davis explains that leaving a relationship can differ greatly depending on its context. For example, breaking up with a first date who stood you up is different from deciding to never speak to your mother again over a missed lunch. Consider your responsibilities to the person and how your choice reflects your values.

Disengaging from Relationships

If disengagement is necessary, Davis describes multiple approaches that safeguard your values. Disengagement can vary from getting a divorce to altering the role of co-parent. It might entail less frequent contact, or minimal interaction during social events. Decisions to disengage can serve to protect your wellbeing and may later be re-evaluated.

Maintaining Relationships with Boundaries

If staying is preferred, Davis advises setting boundaries that preserve your wellbeing. For example, you might limit visits to a verbally abusive parent and seek support afterward, or curtail doing extra chores for a partner who spends leisure time inefficiently. Establish boundaries focusing on self-care rather than changing others.

If you or a loved one experiences intimate partner violence, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

The digital publication was edited by Meghan Keane, with art direction by Beck Harlan. Connect with us at 202-216-9823 or email [email protected]. Discover Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for our newsletter.