Understanding Children’s Behavior: A Conversation with Becky Kennedy

A typical morning with three kids under the age of 10 can be chaotic. One child needs help with shoes, another claims to have nothing to wear, and another is worried about being late. The initial reaction is often to discipline them. However, clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy suggests a different approach in her book Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be.

Kennedy advises parents to understand the reasons behind a child’s behavior instead of resorting to time-outs or other consequences. She emphasizes the belief that children are inherently good inside, meaning they have good intentions and want to do the right thing. This belief can steer parents away from judging their child’s character and toward understanding the real reasons behind their actions.

The mindset that kids are good inside helps parents separate a child’s identity from their actions. For instance, when a child misbehaves, thinking of them as good inside encourages curiosity about the causes of their behavior rather than frustration.

Kennedy shared strategies with Life Kit for handling common behavioral issues in young children. Consider a scenario where a three-year-old hits a sibling. The first step involves addressing the behavior, for example, saying, I’m not going to let you hit your sister. Acknowledging the hurt caused, such as telling the sibling, Ouch, I know that hurt. That wasn’t OK, is crucial.

Instead of punishing the child, Kennedy suggests connecting with them to understand the underlying issues. This approach involves acknowledging the child’s struggle and reassuring them of your support. Saying, You’re having a hard time. I’m here. We’re going to figure it out together, can foster this connection.

Some parents may prioritize discipline to convey the wrongness of actions. However, Kennedy argues that chastisement can increase a child’s shame and self-doubt.

When discipline occurs, and a parent wants to repair the relationship, Kennedy advises sharing reflections and expressing what they wish had gone differently, such as, Last week, I yelled at you. It was because of things happening at work, but it’s never your fault. I love you.

For more insights from Becky Kennedy, listen to the full interview on Life Kit. The audio was produced by Sylvie Douglis, and the digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. Share your thoughts or experiences by leaving a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or emailing [email protected].