Navigating Life Without My Estranged Father

My children have never met their grandfather because I haven’t seen him in more than two decades. My son, who is nine, plays on three different baseball teams. Each day I manage his sports schedule and logistics, sorting clothing and ensuring he has the appropriate equipment for his games. I even pack supplies to entertain his sister while we wait at the games. I cheer him on from the sidelines and feel a mix of pride and nerves during his games, a joy I imagine my father once felt while watching me.

Even though these moments bring happiness, there’s a part of me that feels incomplete—almost like I’m searching for someone who isn’t there. My dad loved baseball and was present at every practice and game when I played. We shared a bond through the sport. After my parents divorced when I was 19, everything changed. They moved away from California, and shortly after, my father severed contact with a simple email saying he’d never see me again.

The absence of my father raises questions about what my kids would have called him: Grandpa, Pop, or another name. Their current grandfather, known as PopPop, is actually my stepfather, who embodies the loving presence of a grandparent. He attends events and is a source of joy for my children. His presence sometimes contrasts with the void my father’s absence has created within me.

Research indicates that family estrangement often brings feelings of isolation. Currently, 29% of Americans, according to a YouGov poll, experience estrangement from an immediate family member. I understand these feelings, as I manage the absence of my father while also maintaining family bonds for my children. Objects from my childhood, like a bucket of baseballs or my old glove, serve as quiet reminders of my father’s influence, evidence of a once-strong connection.

I imagine conversations with my children about my father, trying to decide when or how to tell them. Raising empathetic kids suggests they may respond with curiosity and concern, but I still question the timing of this conversation. Despite my worries, there’s a belief within me that my children are growing surrounded by family love, whether near or far, and that they remain content with those relationships.

As I prepare my son’s gear for his next game, I remind myself that my children feel a sense of wholeness in their current family dynamic. While the void in my life persists without my father, I hope they possess everything needed to thrive in their world.